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Feb. 9, 2008, 5:26PM
SUNDAY CONVERSATION
By TERRI LANGFORD
Copyright 2008 Houston Chronicle
Gwen Carter, of the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services in Harris County, says that if you feel like you're going to hurt a child, place the child in a safe place and walk away.
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The father of a 3-month-old boy whose body was found in Galveston said he killed the child to stop him from crying, according to police. Chronicle reporter Terri Langford talked with Gwen Carter — spokeswoman for Texas Child Protective Services for Harris County and a mom herself — about the role crying can play in abusive situations and how parents should handle crying children as well as themselves.
Q: When parents feel that rage rising inside them, what should they do?
A: Everyone gets stressed out. If you feel like you're going to hurt a child, or (you're) in a place within yourself that doesn't feel safe, place the child in a safe place and walk away. If you feel like you're still in a place where you're not safe, then get help. Call a friend, a family member. If you know that you have an issue, say some mental health issue, call MHMRA (Mental Health and Mental Retardation Authority). If you think you're going to hurt your child, you can always call our 800 number, 1-800-252-5400. The important thing to remember when you feel stressed is that you need to take yourself out of the situation.
Q: How should parents handle a crying child? What about one who falls down on the floor and pulls a tantrum, say in the middle of a public place, like a restaurant or a store?
A: Parenting experts give a variety of tips. Some experts say you should allow the child to complete the tantrum, then you look them square in the eyes, tell them what the problem was with their behavior. A child goes into a tantrum because they want something, or it's a behavior that has worked for them and it's become an ongoing thing. The important thing to remember is that you should be consistent with your children about what is not acceptable behavior.
Remember, you're the parent, and you're in control. If they (for instance, babies) cannot communicate, remove them from the situation and get them into a calm state. A lot of experts suggest, because a child's attention span is so short, that you need to get them calm and then discipline them immediately. If they throw a tantrum in a store tell them, "You're going to have a time out."
Q: Right there in the store?
A: Yes. If you have a 2-year-old, take them to a corner of the store and make them do a time out. Nobody's going to look at you funny. Nobody's going to be offended.
Q: What can parents do about more aggressive children, ones who bite, kick and claw at their parents?
A: We would suggest you get professional help. You can talk to your school counselor or seek other resources. If a young child is aggressive, it signifies that something else is wrong.
Q: How can parents quickly correct a child without resorting to spanking? Is there ever a case where a few swift pats on the bottom are needed?
A: We don't tell people that physical discipline is wrong. You need to decide what's appropriate. We have had people tell us they have spanked a 6-month-old. A 6-month-old doesn't understand the spanking any more than the man in the moon. You have to know about a child's developmental milestones, what the child can understand for his or her age. A 1-year-old has the attention span of probably one minute. That's why you give a child a time out based on their age. A 1-year-old, one minute. A 5-year-old, five minutes. Parents run into trouble when they have unreasonable expectations of their child.
Q: Can you tell me what abusive parents often tell caseworkers when confronted with what they've done?
A: There are some people who generally want help, and they realize they are in a situation that they need help. No one sets out to be a bad parent. Sometimes parents tell us that that was the way they were raised.
Q: What percentage of the abusive situations investigated by CPS started with a crying child?
A: With young children, we hear it a lot, because babies cry. It's their normal mode of communication. They can't tell you when they're wet, they can't tell you it's hungry.
Q: Some people believe that child abuse only occurs in poor neighborhoods, that it's only a problem for low-income families. What would you say to that?
A: We respond to calls across all socio-economic boundaries. There's usually another factor involved — alcohol, drugs, a lack of help with a child, other stressors that people can't handle.
That's why we have to ask people to help. If you see somebody and they appear stressed, or they're isolating themselves, offer to help them. Children don't have a voice. We have to be the voice for them.
terri.langford@chron.com
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/5527097.html
Emphasis added by H4K Editor
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